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Russia, Moscow, just a few steps from the Red Square. Budget student-style accommodation. Visa support. Traveller advice and assistance... Translators, interpreters, logistic support, information searches, errands, car and driver...  "Making YOUR Russia Safe, Predictable, Friendly, and Inexpensive"

Bed and Breakfast in Moscow (Russia) starting at $30/night
(You didn't seriously think you could get a place to stay in the 4th most expensive city for just $30 without their being a catch? And the catch is my secret plan that you turn out to be a a big business person who will order me a $2000 translation job or hire for for a $5000 research project or, at the very least, get me to drive him around at $200/day.)

Speaking of travel, do take look at my heavy-duty traveller's checklist.  I don't remember to what extend it is restored after an accident a few months ago, but most of the text should be there. Enjoy.

But first of all, let's see if  you are fit to come to Russia and be my guest. As a test, please get acquainted with  SALVADOR - my pet cockroach (Schedule A guests may skip this part). She lives in a plastic box from vegetarian patties under the kitchen sink not out of my disrespect for her freedom, but for the fear that she may wander into the terriroty of my unenlightened neighbours and get stepped on.   I feed her rotten (as far as possible) vegetables and give her beer, which she seems to like considerably... In my drive to make my operation appear bigger than life I've appointed her the head of the Accommodation & Housing Section. Isn't that disgusting?  In that case check out the Balchug Hotel just a few steps from me. There are no roaches they will tell you of and their rates will, of course, reflect that.

Here is what you get in return for contributing an X number of dollars to my cause:

• A place to sleep. You will get either floor space, or a room, or my entire small apartment just a few steps from the Kremlin. Let me know what you need in advance. The price will, of course, reflect what you get.
• Access to the refrigerator and whatever you can find in it (good luck)
• Guest computer!!! (to be able to retrieve your e-mail, don't forget your password and login, or else place .forward in your in-box)
• An old crock of a bicycle (a former 10-speed with half of its them amputated for the sake of reliability) is available to borrow...   For a true Russian experience you may wish to go for a short ride on Moscow streets. But do me a favour: pay first   ; )              
  [add image - a doggie with prominent fangs]
• Advice on what to do with yourself in Moscow
• If you are lucky I may be able to get one of my English students to show you around
• Often the entire apartment if free for days or even weeks, at the same rate as just one room!!

Rules, limitations, and other things you should be aware of:

• In this household, eating animals is considered highly improper. (Here is some info for vegetarians brave enough to come to this land of fur-wearing people most of whom are organically uncapable of grasping the concept THAT DOING BAD THINGS TO ANIMALS IS BAD.)
• Hot water supply may be cut off in the summer ...
• The entrance to the building is a scary thing, as is customary in my native city. But am I right that you wanted a genuine Russian experience?
• Tiny orange ants live in the bathroom, and I am making no effort whatsoever to eradicate them
• My pet is a giant cockroach, and you are expected to admire her. Unless you are a Schedule A client.
• Basic neatness is expected
• Tobacco smoking is discouraged
• Offbeat travellers, backpackers, students, professors, researchers, explorers, do-good volunteers, religious zealots and such are encouraged to stay with me
• "Proper" business types may find the whole setup somewhat unsuitable
• Particularly unwanted are the Americans who telephone at 5am and start with "Do you speak English". If you are one of these, please proceed here to receive your well-deserved answer.

And what does all that cost?
As you probably know, in the flea-ridden Third World countries you may end up paying a few times more for the same thing in one place than in another.  Well, being in the business of foreigner rip-off.... Guess I am letting my mysterious Russian soul reveal a bit too much of the internal workings of my humble operation... Anyway, here is my price schedule for you to contemplate:

Schedule C: Here is your corner, good fella. Facilities are that-a-way. Don't step on my pet cockroach!!! That's the refrigerator - happy experimenting. That orange slime? Oh, it won't hurt you, I guess. I believe it was once carrots. Laissez-faire (sp.?) style, no frills. Suggested donation: $25 if affordable.

Schedule D:  Here it is, in response to public demand.   A small donation is replaced by a contribution in work or in kind.  Basically, if you wash the floor, paint the baseboards, re-arrange telephone wires or fix a few bugs in my Web site etc., you will be a welcomed guest without money. Another possibility to stay here for free is home exchange. I'd consider France, Quebec, or something like the Far East, as long as it affords an over 30% chance of getting enlightened....

Schedule B: Welcome to Moscow (I meet you at the airport or whatever). How was your flight? (As if I cared.) The car is here. Help yourself to the beer. Dinner will be ready shortly. What d'ya want to see? I suggest ........ (And my pet cockroach is sitting in a jar, within your field of vision but unobtrusively.) Cost: $70/day.

Schedule A: Welcome to Moscow, Sir. Was your flight comfortable, Sir? (Asked in such a tone that you won't even suspect how little I care.) Would you like to see the b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l Red Square? (I guess this is as good of a time for me to come out and declare that this whole architectural arrangement is ugly and sturated with evil. See the note on your right. But you won't hear that as I will do my best to let you enjoy you trip in your own uncomplicated way.) And the spectacular Bolshoi? Yes, I will make the reservations, Sir. Did you enjoy the performance, Sir? Delightful! (In reality, I openly admit to not seeing the point of opera as a genre. Further, I dare to suggest that the majority of opera-going types are into it for the feeling of superiority attending this institution of audio torture gives them over us ordinary mortals. But that's another story.) Glad you enjoyed it, Sir. Let me hold the door for you, Sir. Cost: $150 day, of which at least $25 will probably go towards anti-nausea treatment for me. Choose Schedule A- and you won't even hear about my pet ....oops !!

Did you know that the St. Basil's Cathedral you foreigners so much like to admire was built by Ivan-the-Terrible (known, as the name suggests, for being on the terrible side, personality-wise) to commemorate the demolition of yet another neighbouring city. Think it was the Kazan kingdom he invaded that time. And Comrade St. Basil was basically a town idiot...Only ONCE did I have a visitor who looked at this architectural atrocity and immediately exclaimed something to the effect that this is an oppressive-looking structure. Mind you, she was  president of the North American Librarians' Association or something like that, not your common capitalist...

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Last update October 25/98        Please report problems to the web-master slave

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