Back to Olesya's Russian Brides page

Tips on dating Russian women
Submitted by one of our guests who regularly makes contribution to
our notice board www.unclepasha.com/guestbook.htm
 

First of all, if you are still under the media egocentric propaganda that Russian women are desperate to leave their country and American men seeking Russian women are losers, make sure to read the info. on this site first:

http://www.womenrussia.com/myths.htm

And even if you don't harbor those kind of myths, it's a good read for background information anyway.

A common lie from a gold digger or user

This one is very important.  I hate seeing people take advantage of others.  If a woman you meet in Russia attempts to ask you or pressure you to give her money or expensive presents, and tells you that this is normal in Russia and that the man is obligated to comply, DO NOT believe her!  She is lying or deluding herself!  The reason I know is because I have discussed this issue with many people in the 9 cities I visited in and they (the good people) have all told me the same thing.  They told me that in Russia, it is NOT polite or proper for a woman to ask or pressure a man for gifts or money, and that any woman who attempts to tell you otherwise is lying or trying to use you, or else they are foolish and inconsiderate.  Either way, they told me that a nice normal woman would not do such things.  Those that tell you otherwise, are expecting that you don't know anything and trying to take advantage of that.  You can trust me on this, as every credible person I met in Russia explained this to me.  Therefore, if anyone attempts to deceive you and tell you that such behavior is normal, tell them that enough credible people in Russia have explained the truth about it to you, and therefore they cannot deceive you.  If they become moody after you tell them this, just move on because there are many other nice ladies out there that won't do this to you.

The line between custom and inappropriateness

As you will undoubtedly discover, in Russia it is customary for the man to pay for everything when out on a date or even a friendship meeting, with a woman.  That custom is agreed to by everyone, so there is no dispute on that.  However, here is a good rule of thumb to follow.  When out on a date or meeting with a Russian woman, pay for what you are supposed to, including meals, snacks, transportation, entrance fees, entertainment, etc.  You will have done your part by doing so.  Then, if she attempts to ask you for expensive gifts or presents (small gifts are ok though), that is where the line is being crossed.  Some of them will act like you are obligated to comply, but the truth is, you are not.  Simply tell her "Ni hachu" which is Russian for "I don't want to." and leave it at that.  Stand your ground.  She will either accept that, or leave you and look for other bait.  Don't be used.  Small gifts under 100 roubles though, are another matter, and it is more acceptable for her to ask for them, but not so often that it becomes a shopping spree.  

Remember that although Russians see you a foreigner as rich with lots of extra money to spare, the nice self-respecting ladies who care about you are NOT going to treat you like you have a bottomless supply of cash in your pocket, even if they think you really do.  The ones that do treat you as if you had a bottomless supply of cash in your pocket are either greedy, users, or fools, and you should put them aside before they give you problems in the long run.

Here are some good rules of thumb to follow that were suggested to me, which seemed to work well for me.

The rule of progressively elaborate dates

On a first date with a Russian woman, you should keep it simple.  Unless you are sure that you two are hitting it off well, try to avoid restaurants, wine, or expensive things.  Instead, keep it simple by going for a walk, getting ice cream, sitting down at a cafe for drinks or snacks, etc.  Here is why.  The purpose of the first date is to see if there is enough chemistry between you two for a second date.  Sometimes there will be enough chemistry or attraction for a second date.  Other times, there won't.  If there's no chemistry or she pretends to like you and doesn't show up for a second date, then there would be no point in having an elaborate first date.  The money you spent on the restaurant, wine, etc. would have been wasted and meaningless.  With a nice normal woman, how much money you spend on the first date will not be a factor in whether there is a second date or not. (Remember you want to find someone who likes you for you)  

Therefore, spending a lot of money on a first date is not necessary.  Instead, if there is some chemistry and attraction between you do which leads to a second date, then start making it more elaborate each time.  With each subsequent date, if things are going well, be more generous each time.  After all, it will have been warranted.  Being creative and romantic is nice too.

Flowers on a first date?

In regards to giving her flowers, some will advise you to bring flowers with you on a first date in order to make a good impression.  However, I disagree with that because in my experience, I have never seen flowers make a difference in how well a first date went.  After all, if there's no chemistry, flowers are not going to create chemistry or attraction.  And if there is chemistry, not bringing flowers will not make things any less either.  Therefore, I think it is best to bring flowers later on down the line if you continue seeing each other.  If you do, it seems more special to her and she seems to appreciate it more, because you will have waited to show your affection and appreciation of her, and therefore it becomes more meaningful.

Also, remember that in Russia, you have to buy a woman an odd number of flower stems, because even number ones are for funerals.  Usually, the florist will know this and only sell you them in sets of 1, 3, 5, etc., but keep it in mind anyway.

Good and bad signs

In regards to whether she likes you or not, according to the experts I talked to, body language is the most important tell tale sign.  You cannot rely on her words alone, since some women pretend to like you to be polite, even promising a second date, and then suddenly not showing up next time or avoiding your phone calls.  But body language doesn't lie.  If she shows an open posture, leans toward you, has diluted pupils, etc. then those are good signs.  On the other hand, if she has a closed posture, folds her arms while walking, leans away from you, gets irritated by little things, etc. then those are bad signs.  Remember to look for patterns, not just one or two examples.  Generally though, if someone likes you or is attracted to you, they put out a certain vibe which you can sense.

While I was in Russia, I was told by advisors that a nice woman in a restaurant or cafe with you usually will order something about the same price that you order, and not much higher.  It is the proper and polite thing for them to do.  I have found this to be true, and a good tell tale sign.  However, if they attempt to order something much more expensive than you, such as expensive wine or seafood, that is a bad sign indeed.  However, I should warn you that some of the women who do this will order something expensive without your permission, speaking to the waitress in Russian so that you can't understand what she's ordering.  You can help avoid this by asking her what she'd like before you order.  

For a more in-depth description on red flags and rules of thumb, I recommend you read what Jack Brendan wrote on the FAQ section of his Volgograd agency website.  It makes a lot of sense and is very consistent with my experience:

http://www.aloveinrussia.com/q_n_a/scams_rf_gd.shtml

Finally, I should point out that intuition, while inherently unreliable in solving logical or technical problems, tends to be very accurate in predicting whether a relationship is right or working out.  This is why women tend to have a better sense of where a relationship is going than men tend to.  Women tend to trust their intuition more than men, who rely primarily on facts, evidence, and logic instead.

Deciding whether to use a translator on a first date

When dating Russian women from marriage or dating agencies, the issue of whether to use a translator on the first date will often come up.  In fact, the agencies will usually offer it to you, so they can make some extra money.  Whether to bring one on a first date or not is a tricky issue, and I can't give a firm yes or no answer.  But here are some things to consider.

If you aren't confident of your communication skills, and are meeting a lady who can't speak any English, then it may help you feel more comfortable to bring a translator.  However, there are some pitfalls to using a translator on your first date, which I've noticed.  1) First, some women depend so much on the translator, that they only talk to him/her and rarely even look at you.  This makes the date very awkward, and you even feel like you're dating the translator rather than your date.  And it also makes it hard for you to read the lady's body language as well, since it's mostly geared toward the translator rather than to you.  2) Second, it makes the date more like a crowded three than a romantic two.  3) Third, as I mentioned above, the purpose of the first date is to see if there is enough chemistry or attraction for a second date.  A translator will not usually make a difference in that (though some may disagree with me).  Chemistry and attraction tend to be subjective things, and finding out more basic facts about each other isn't usually going to influence that.  4) Finally, if there is no chemistry and no second date, then the money you spent on the translator would have been a waste, since you could have found out the same thing without one.

Therefore, what I suggest is that if you can deal with the basic communication, save the translator for subsequent dates, when you two have more serious and in-depth things to talk about.

Spending wisely vs. appearing stingy

One of the biggest causes of conflict and misunderstanding between Russians and Americans is the issue of spending money, especially since many Russians mistakenly think that all Americans as filthy rich with a bottomless supply of cash, thanks to the image Hollywood gave them.  Americans are taught to spend money wisely and efficiently, and saving it for future long term use.  Russians, however, live for the day and are more likely to spend their surplus cash without regard for efficiency or savings.  Most of them don't have enough to save up anyway.  And they can better afford to splurge too, because they don't have the kind of bills and payments that Americans are used to, so they have no understanding of the pressures Americans have either!  So both sides do not understand each other.  It is difficult, therefore, for both sides to respect and understand each other on this issue because of their different mentalities.

In regards to dating, I have been told by many that to a Russian woman, the biggest turn-off is a man who appears stingy to them.  Some women even see the word "economical" as a bad word, believe it or not, especially since they assume that a foreigner always has plenty of cash to spare.  According to my Russian friend Alina, in Russian culture a man with a woman must behave like the following.  When he spends money, he must not show any remorse or displeasure on his face.  Instead, he must appear generous and happy, even if he is giving his last ten roubles.  That is what a woman likes to see.

Therefore, this creates a dilemma in theory.  On the one hand, you cannot be economical or efficient with money without the risk of looking bad.  On the other hand, since scarcity is real and money is not unlimited, you also cannot behave as though money was never an issue in anything (unless you are super wealthy) or else you will soon lose it all or a lot more than you planned.  Such a dangerous reckless habit or mentality could bankrupt you easily, as it would only be a matter of time before reality caught up with you.  So the question is, how do you balance the two?  Where do you draw the line?  It's not an easy question to answer, and you will have to make some judgement calls.  But as I discussed in a section above, generally if someone treats you like you have an unlimited supply of cash in your pocket that can never run out, that is a bad sign.  A nice self-respecting person who cares about you would never do that, regardless of how rich they think you are.  So if you are constantly pressured to spend more than you want to, that is not a good sign.  

The most logical and safe solution seemingly, is to take a middle ground rather than one extreme or the other.  Be a little more generous and less economical than you usually are, but not so much that it gets out of control.  

Of course, in reality things are not always so cut and dry, and sometimes the line between frugality and stinginess will not be clear, nor will it be drawn in the same place by everyone.  In that case, you will have to rely on your sense of judgement and gut feeling.  If you mess up, just learn from your mistakes, and remember that those who truly care about you will forgive you, while those who don't aren't worth your time anyway.

Escorting your date with taxis

If you are with a Russian woman, it looks bad to her, even if she is a nice good person, to be bargaining with the taxi driver in front of her.  Not only do men need to appear generous in front of a Russian lady, but they need to appear not concerned about money, regardless of whether they are rich or poor.  And it embarrasses some Russian ladies to be next to a guy who is bargaining.  Therefore, if a driver attempts to scam you, then you are caught between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand, the driver is giving you an inflated price because you are a foreigner with extra cash to spare for them.  But you can't defend yourself against it because it looks bad to the Russian lady with you.  So what do you?  It's not an easy dilemma to resolve.  But here's what I would try.  Don't have the Russian lady talk to the driver first (although it's tempting to just let her tell him the destination).  Instead, you tell or show the driver your destination, asking your woman's help if needed, and then negotiate from there, but be quick about it.  If you don't take too long, it won't look as bad to her.  That's all I can say.

Oh and one more thing.  Most Russian women are accustomed to walking and have strong feet (some even have blisters and veins on their feet to show for it :)).  They are accustomed to taking buses, trolley, minivan buses, or metros and therefore won't have a problem with it.  But there are a few though, who are too lazy to walk, ride buses or take the metro, and think they are princesses who deserve the high class treatment of riding taxis.  In this case, you will have to make a decision as to whether you want to pay the price of keeping her, and if she's worth it.  Normally, it's best to use both forms of transportation.  For example, using buses and metros in the day when there's time to walk and sightsee, and using taxis at night after a long day when both of you are tired.  However, there are some women who will ONLY ride taxis, and they are usually the same ones who like to order wine all the time too.  That's when you have to make a judgement call about whether you want to expend the resources to keep someone like that or not.  If you're not on a budget and are only there for a week or two, then it may not matter to you.  Otherwise, it's another story.

Translating the correspondence with Russian women

A lot of basic advice has been written about the subject of corresponding with Russian women, especially on marriage agency websites, so I won't rehash what they usually tell you, but I will add a few things they don't usually tell you.

If you are corresponding with a Russian woman who doesn't know much English and you have her direct email address, you can use a free online translation program to translate your and her letters.  The best one I've found is at http://translation2.paralink.com.  It is a trial program though, so it only translates a medium sized paragraph at a time, but you can use it unlimited.  For longer letters, you will just have to copy and paste bits of text at a time in and out of the program.  You can also translate Russian websites into English through that site, by clicking on the URL mode button.  Keep in mind though, that translation programs are imperfect and often make many mistakes in translation.  Here are a few tips on minimizing these translation mistakes though.

1) Keep sentence structures and grammar as simple as possible, as if you were writing to a child, being careful to be simple and clear.
2) Avoid words that have more than one possible meaning, because the translator will often translate a different meaning of it than the one you intended.  For example, rather than saying "I am like a tiger", say "I am similar to a tiger".  So when writing a letter to be computer translated, check every word to make sure it has only one meaning, and change the ones that don't or rephrase the sentence another way.

Finally, watch out for this common scam tactic.  If a woman you're corresponding with falls madly in love with you too quickly, telling you how much she loves you, dreams about you, thinks about you, etc. and flatters you unusually, then watch out!  She may very well be setting you up to ask you for money later, either to pay for her visa to come see you (not possible) or to help a sick relative.  It's another form of the oldest trick in the book where someone attempts to hype up your emotions to the point where your clear-thinking senses are subdued, so you will just go along with whatever comes next.  As you well know, sales people, advertisers, multi-level marketing recruiters, preachers, and scam artists use this tactic all the time.  It's a classic brainwashing trick, and no different with Russian women who want to scam you.

The human nature trap of remembering and believing the worst

I can't believe how often I have to tell this to people.  People tend to want to remember and believe the worst about others.  It's human nature for some reason.  For example, if you do nine good things and one bad thing, people will focus on and remember that one bad thing.  And they will assume that the one bad thing reflects the REAL you, while the nine good things earlier were a fake cover up.  That is totally untrue and illogical, yet that is how most people view things.  Be FAIR people!  Don't think like that and don't let human nature cloud your judgement like that.  Look at the big picture.  Don't just focus on the negative.  If someone does nine good things and one bad thing, assume for now that they are 90 percent good and 10 percent bad.  That is the logical way to view it, which while not necessarily accurate is much better than the common human nature way of viewing it!

Also, if you are corresponding with a Russian woman, and she sends you one beautiful gorgeous photo of herself, and then you see one terrible photo of her that looks the exact opposite, DO NOT assume that the bad photo represents the way she really looks and the good photo was a fake distortion!  Chances are, her true appearance is somewhere near the MIDDLE of those two photos!  The more pictures you see of her, the better idea you'll get of what she probably really looks like.  And remember, at least half the people in this world do not look like their photos.  Even before I went to Russia, I knew this from experience of meeting many girls from online.  Therefore, keep that in mind before you instinctually judge someone from their photo.  As a matter of fact, I should tell you that most of the Russian women I met looked much better than their photos.

Meeting women in Russia

If you're shy or don't know anyone in Russia, don't worry.  It's easier to meet people there than you can imagine, except for maybe Moscow.  Meeting people in Russia is a whole different dimension than it is in the USA.  In America, strangers are strangers and people don't like to meet you unless it's through an organization like work, school, clubs, friends, church, etc. and even then, it's not always easy to get to know them or become a part of their social circles.  In a country like Russia on the other hand, people have the attitude that they like to meet new people, especially foreigners, and are very direct about it.  Differences arouse curiosity there.  Almost no one is a stranger.  That's the attitude they have.  In fact, when I arrived in a new city in Russia, it would usually only take a few hours to already know some people, get some contact information, and have plans that night.  Just doing the normal things will usually create natural, effortless opportunities that get you acquainted with people.  When you see how easy it is, you will soon become less shy and more direct yourself.  People in Russia are totally UN-cliqueish, which is so refreshing when you're new.

For you guys out there like me, let me share a secret with you.  Here is the main difference between meeting girls in Russia vs. America.  In most parts of America, when you see attractive girls that you want to meet in a public place, it is a form of silent torture because you can't really do anything about it.  If you go up and try to meet them, most of the time they will see that as inappropriate and see you as some kind of creep, resulting in a defensive posture and vibe.  This of course, make guys become more shy and erodes their confidence toward attractive women.  In Russia, on the other hand, it's not like that at all.  More often than not, the attractive girls you see in public that you try to meet will often want to meet you too, even if they look like models.  And when they give you their number or agree to get together later, they usually follow through (rather than giving you their number and then screening out your calls like many American girls do).  And even if they aren't interested in meeting you, at least they don't make you feel like you are doing anything inappropriate, so you don't feel like you've lost anything or violated anything.  And besides, there are enough girls there that want to meet you anyway, to keep you motivated and confident enough to keep trying all the time.  Therefore, you don't feel the torture of seeing an attractive woman and not being able to do anything about it.  Now guys, which attitude would you prefer from attractive women?

Submitted by one of our guests who regularly makes contribution to
our notice board www.unclepasha.com/guestbook.htm

Back to Olesya's Russian Brides page